The Rules of the Game

The title of today’s entry is taken from the same titled movie directed by Jean Renoir. Released in 1939, it is revered as one of the greatest of all French movies, and considered must viewing for any serious cinephile. I’ve taken this title as a written reminder to myself to go rent this stupid movie already which I’ve been meaning to do since university. Obviously I’ve had no success with my other memory aids.

I’ve been giving some thought as to what exactly I should be using this blog for. I thought this would be easy, but I’m discovering that this is a question as big as life itself, which unfortunately I have no answers to either. So until I’m impassioned by nobler causes, you should regard this blog as irrelevant and strictly intended for private non-commercial home ENTERTAINMENT. Still, I do feel some sense of accountability, so I think it’s only fair to you my faithful reader(s!?) that I advise you of the Rules of Conduct I’ve mandated for myself.

- My blog will be rated PG. I hope my blog will be read by both a mature and immature audience. I promise to have a wholesome blog devoid of any controversial or potentially upsetting content.
- There will be no profanity. I remember seeing interview a few years with the great Seinfeld, and hearing him describe the way he went about his craft compared to other contemporaries and colleagues. He was referring specifically to Pryor and Murphy with disapproval to their profanity, cruelty and to their dirty crude jokes. He thought comedians resorted to this base level because they did not really master their craft, that this shock value was an easy way to hide an inadequate talent. I rarely curse in normal conversation anyway, so I’m not likely to adapt that here.
- There will be no racial or ethnic comments.
- There will no sexist comments.
- I will not make fun of professional athletes who say stupid things because they lack intelligence.
- I will not berate dishonest two-faced politicians who bless us with their ineptitude.
- There will be no editorial comments on the greed of corrupt corporate officers who have tremendous “paper” wealth but not real wealth.
- I will not ridicule untalented pop stars who lip synch.
- I will show no bitterness toward talented artists I used to admire who’ve sold out and gone commercial.
- I will not espouse my views on the environment, poverty, capital punishment, religion or war.
- I will not be critical of the naïve who don’t know any better.
- I will not complain about how much tax I have to pay.
- I will repress the giggles when I describe other peoples’ haircuts.
- I will not allow myself to be distracted by my current quest to determine which as-hole on my street owns that fu-kin’ dog that’s always taking a crapper on my front lawn.
- I will not make defecation or excrement jokes which I otherwise find very funny.

I will slowly be introducing you to the cast of characters that make up my life dramedy. I will use real first names, but CAPITALIZED absurd last names that are descriptive of how they are. I will not use real full names in the interests of protecting the guilty from embarrassment, but I will not use completely made-up names either because I think then people will not believe anything I say.

You may have guessed that I play a lot of ice hockey. Over the years I’ve played with dozens perhaps hundreds of different people. It’s a great game - the greatest of all games. Like all games, it has rules. The shinny hockey we play has many “rules” that don’t exist in hockey played at the professional level. Many are related to the game itself, but many are unspoken rules or conventions related to how players behave. Always white sweaters versus colored sweaters. Players should never hog ice-time and there is no body checking. When the goalie freezes the puck, players on the opposite team should back off and let the other team carry out the play. Goalies never pay for any share of the cost of ice-time. And players always thank the goalie for coming out to play. Players always tell the goalies they played well, even if they really didn’t. But the MOST important rule for shinny hockey is the no-rule - NEVER KEEP SCORE.

This is how shinny hockey is different from all other games. In pick-up basketball you play to twenty-one. In golf you MUST keep score. In soccer, baseball and football you keep score. In “ball” hockey you play to ten or five. Even card games; bridge – rubber game; euchre – play to ten; Crazy eights - winner and losers.

Chris from my workplace plays shinny with a group that does not abide by the no-rule. Chris and Dave are best friends and both are goalies. When they started out, goalies picked teams with Chris getting first pick one week, and Dave getting first pick the next, and back and forth. I’ve played with them a few times and this is very confusing – whites and colored players are the same team, versus the others who have tacky yellow sleeveless pullovers. (It’s so retarded the way they play, but they don’t know any better.) In theory this means teams should always be even. Now Chris is ultra-competitive, probably the most competitive person I’ve ever met. He has to win. And he always did. They keep score – this is trouble.

In the beginning they were equally skilled, but Chris quickly surpassed Dave because; Chris spends all week thinking about hockey and talking to people about how he can improve; he tries harder because he’s so competitive; he studies all guys that come out so he almost always picks the best teams; and he intimidates his best buddy with too much trash talking.

He’s writes down and logs the games; he’s that competitive. Each Friday night is a game, so after a month, it’s 4-0 Chris over Dave. This wouldn’t normally be a problem, and Dave wouldn’t care, but Chris keeps reminding everyone of the overall standing, Chris leading Dave “something” - 0, and hollering down the ice the score of the game that’s going on.

After a while this becomes an issue and one day while at work, Chris is telling me about this “real problem” they have. They’re afraid that Dave will stop playing because he keeps losing. The losing just feeds the frustration that makes him play badly which erodes his confidence and perpetuates the losing.

I suggest they stop keeping score . . .

Then they “decide” that the problem is Dave always has a weaker team because he doesn’t know how to pick players. So their creative solution is to let Dave have first pick every week. The losing continues.

Then they decide to play games up to five and switch so there’s no difference in teams. This means every Friday they’re able to play three or four “games” rather than one. So after a month, instead of 4-0 Chris over Dave, it is 13-0 Chris over Dave. In case you didn’t catch it the first time, Chris will remind you and your children again and again, 13-0 Chris over Dave.

So that didn’t work.

I suggest they stop keeping score. . .

Their next idea has Chris, Dave, Ron (regular player who runs the ice), Oliver (regular player who just plays), and Pete (regular player who tries to play but can’t skate) independently ranking all the players that have come out over the last two years. They then combined their rankings into an aggregate they will use each week to pick “fair” teams. The rankings were done secretly and with the exception of myself I believe they not shared outside that circle. The ranking was to be reviewed at the end of each month.

The problem this created is that everyone had to rank themselves, each other AND they had to share that. Of course each player’s self-ranking was higher than the ranking anyone else provided. The biggest discrepancy was Oliver who ranked himself as the 5th best player of the group of 27, versus Chris’s assessment that Oliver was only the 13th best player of the group of 27. Chris that bastard, always comes out looking good – easy for him – they’re not ranking the goalies. Anyway, I think by the end of that night everyone wanted to hurt each other pretty badly.

So I asked Chris, you know, out of curiosity, what my ranking was. And he told me.

TOTAL B.S!!!! I’m much better than half the guys ranked higher than me.

The next time I played, I tried extra hard and scored a lot, A LOT of goals on Chris. (I hope he was counting.) I haven’t played with this year so I don’t know what’s going on right now. End of story for now.

Anyway, I have a feeling I’ve already broken a few of the rules I set out for myself. Screw it!!! Maybe the point of my shinny story is that the best rule is the no-rule.

Glad I worked that out.